Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Random thoughts and worries...

Typically, I like to keep this blog as a means to update all of you at home on the things I have been doing here. I like to share stories about people, places, and events that have touched my heart because I know many of these same things have touched yours at one point or another. For some reason though; I am at a point in my journey here where I feel as though I need to take a deeper look at this experience and the place I am at in my life right now because of it. I guess I am sharing some of my current feelings and reactions on a more personal level than I ever have in my blog but for some reason I feel the need to do so.

Prior to my coming here, I just wasn't happy with my life in any aspect. I felt as though many of my relationships with people were strained, I was working a dead end job, and my faith in the good of humanity had all but disappeared. That is why I made the decision to come down here and spend a year trying to help better an organization and a group of people that myself and many people in my life who I consider important felt an attachment too. I believe that maybe by coming down here, I would find something that was missing in my life and gain some sense of direction on where I wanted to go from here both with my career and my personal life. I have to say that at times I feel very bipolar here- a rollercoaster of emotions to be exact. There are days where I will be laughing one moment, and break down into tears at the next. However. although this has definitely been the most difficult 6 months of my life it has also been the most fulfilling. I have learned things about myself that never would have been revealed to me had I not come here. I have found things about myself that I don't like and have resolved to change them. I have learned that I have talents that I never knew that I had before. I have figured out both my greatest strengths, and my greatest weaknesses as well. Coming here has stripped me down to my core and made me realize exactly who I am. Some of it is difficult to see, but sometimes you have to realize what things you need to work on in your life to get where you really want to go.

Being here has been so fulfilling. I often wonder how I will ever be able to return home. Sure, there are a million materialistic reasons to return home. There's the hot showers. There's the endless list of delicious foods that can't be obtained here. There's the family vacations on extravagant cruise ships. There's the nights out on the town in Boston and the 9.00 Expresso desserts with my girl friends.

Then of course there are the non-materialistic things- knowing that I have an amazing group of people around me who love and support me. There's the sense of comfort and familiarity that I don't have here. There's the knowing that those around me know me and understand me, and I can always be myself- flaws and all. There's the relationships that I have spent years developing with friends that will always be there no matter what. These are things I have learned to cherish during my time here that I maybe never really thought about before.

However; despite all these things I am starting to wonder- how will I ever return? I came here to search for things that I'll never find when I go back to the States. I worry that my life will seem even LESS fulfilled now that I have had this experience. I wonder if I'll ever be able to pick up and leave. A part of my heart will always have to be left here. Will I be able to function and return to a state of normalcy with so much of my heart left in this country? Friends here will be wearing the wardrobe of clothes I leave behind. Wendy will be wearing the bracelet I brought back for her from the States for being such a good friend to me. My students will forever hold on to the notebooks of English vocabulary words I have taught them. The friendship bracelets I have given them will be kept in safekeeping I am sure. I'm starting to feel as though this is becoming my home. I am starting to realize that I have come to a point in my journey here where I am in fact thinking of the day I eventually will have to leave. Despite my weeks of seemingly never-ending illnesses recently and my longing to go home and take a hot shower and see a REAL doctor, the thought of actually leaving and not turning back breaks my heart. I am starting to think about how I am going to be able to do it, and where I will go on my next journey when I do actually leave here. Where will I go from here? Who will I be? What will I ever do in my life that will rival what I'm doing now? In a school setting, where will I EVER find the challenge that I've found here (both behaviorally and academically- BELIEVE ME- teaching ESL is HARD!) When will I ever be embraced by a different culture and people the way I have been here? Where will I ever find another opportunity in my career to feel as though I am being surrounded by people who I have set out to help, but are in reality helping ME in more ways than I'll ever help them? When will I ever be humbled in this way again?

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

A much needed update...

Hey all. I just realized it has been 2 weeks since I have updated my blog. Things have been absolutely insanely busy here, and I have had little time to actually sit down and think. I hope this entry finds you all well and healthy. I'd like to say a special congratulations to Bob and Sandy Fisher on the arrival of their new bundle of joy. I'd also like to extend a special congratulations to my friend Meghan on her pregnancy. I'm so happy for you all!!!!

I have to admit that I've had quite a challenging couple of weeks. I have been trying to work on some behavioral problems within my classroom and I broke down into tears the other day because I felt at "wit's end" with a couple of my students. I actually had two kids who were on suspension for 3 days last week for trying to strangle other students. To say that I've been a bit frustrated would be an understatement. Sometimes I feel as though all I do is play referee when I really want to be teaching. Thankfully, I have since gone to Annie's house and vented to her for 2 hours straight. I think that is all that I needed, because I was able to head back into my classroom last week and implement new behavioral methods that SEEM to be working (knock on wood!) Additionally, one of the parents approached me on the playground last week and thanked me for being so hard on her son. She told me that she was "on board" with me with any behavioral expectations I wanted to set. The crazy father who yelled at me on the bus in November has also been super nice to me as well. He brought me a piece of chocolate cake today at lunch. All in all, it has been the usual rollercoaster that being here in general has been for me. I know that in the end, everything I am doing is in the best interest of my children. Let me tell you though; disciplining here is HARD!!!!! I am known as the "tough teacher" around here. I never thought I would hear myself with that type of label. Yikes!!!!

On a more positive note, we are well into the third of four quarters at Santa Clara. Last week was the true test of how much my students have learned up until this point. I have to proudly announce that out of 43 students, only 3 will probably not move on to second grade next year. I can hardly believe that 40 students who did not know a word of English in September know all of their letters and sounds. I have about a dozen who are actually reading in English. Every morning, the other section of first graders (who are with Brenda first thing) come in to say that they want to spend the entire day in English class. I must be doing something right!

On a sadder note, I have to say that I was a bit heartbroken last week. DonaMarina, who is one of the cleaning women at Santa Clara was in my class cleaning up after our Valentines Day party. She is a woman with a heart of gold, who is always inviting me over to her house, or making me a cup of hot coffee in the morning (which I gratefully take...although WHO drinks hot coffee in 100 degree heat?). In any case, after our party I caught her poking through my trash can and stuffing the remains of a Valentines Day cake (all that was left was the frosting and some crumbs) into her purse. It is so often that I forget how poor she really is. I learned that she only makes about 3.00 a day working at Santa Clara, and she has a daughter in the second grade. I am living a pretty simple life on my 50.00 a week stipend, so I cannot even begin to fathom the struggles that she is facing. It's so hard to remember how she lives, because she comes to work with a smile on her face every morning, and is always wondering how I am doing. She never ever complains about her struggles. I guess what she lacks in material riches she makes up for in spirit and heart.

I wanted to announce that I will be home for the Semana Santa week in April. I'll actually be taking a few extra days off and flying back here with the Holy Family group on April 16th. As much as I would have loved to travel to Costa Rica, I really think I just need a couple of weeks of doing absolutely NOTHING. I need to just relax and process everything that has been happening around me. And honestly; I'd rather spend the 2 weeks with my family and friends who I am missing quite a bit these days. Besides, there's always next year's Semana Santa for a trip to Costa Rica; right? :-)

Monday, February 2, 2009

Tengo meido!!!!

Hello all...things are really starting to "heat up" here. Gone are the days of going for runs at 3:00 in the afternoon and enjoying a nice breeze. I came in from my afternoon run (which I left for at 3:00) and I have decided I don't think I'll be doing that again anytime soon. Since it hasn't rained too often, my lungs are full of dust. I also don't think I've ever sweat so much in my life. Thank GOD I have a shower that works here at the Colonia. I think I'm going to be using it more and more frequently!

In any case; I just wanted to share a bit of a funny story from my classroom last week. We read a story about Franklin (for those of you over 12 and/or those of you who don't work with children); Franklin is a turtle and a popular children's icon. In any case; in this particular story, Franklin was afraid of the dark and didn't like to hide in his own shell. After the story, I had the children share some of the things that they were afraid of. Most of the answers were pretty predictable: spiders, bugs, the dark, big dogs. However; a half a dozen or so kids kept screaming out "Chookie, chookie!" I had no clue what this was, so I asked Wendy (my third grade teacher friend) what on earth the kids wer etalking about. Well, lo and behold; they were making a reference to CHUCKIE. As in, the scary redhead doll from the horror movies. I don't know why I thought it was so comical, but apparently "Chookie" is huge here even though he is well past his day in the States. :-) Just thought I'd share a little Juticalpan comedy with you all.

Bree and I enjoyed a lovely weekend in Isla De Tigre; which is the southernmost part of Honduras. It's actually an island a 15 minute boat ride off of Coyolito (southernmost point). From the island, you can see the neighboring countries of Gautamala and El Salvador. Pretty darn cool, if you ask me! In any case, we enjoyed 2 days of swimming on black sand beaches (my first time swimming in the ocean in Honduras...can you believe it), and enjoying fresh squeezed lemonade in the hotel hammocks. There's more. Get this: We enjoyed LOBSTER for only 10.00 U.S money!!!! The seafood was incredible! I had this fantastic soup with lobster tail, crab legs, and steamers in this ridiculously delicious cream broth. Mmmmm! O.k, enough about the food! (Sorry, I can't help myself when it comes to talking about good culinary experiences, since they are few and far between here). In any case, the weekend was fun but tiring . It was a 7 hour trip that required us to switch buses 3 times to get where we were going. Add in the factor that we only had a regular 2 day weekend to do all of this, and you have the equation for fatigue.

In any case, the island was beautiful, but a bit saddening. It was breathtaking and there is so much potential there for an amazing tourist destination. We talked to a couple of the locals, and it seems like it is a "hot spot" for the Holy Week for some of the Hondurans and a frequent backpacker stop for people like ourselves; but overall the island's beauty is under utilized because of the poverty and lack of people who can invest in it. I definitely hope to head back again at some point during my stay here.

Speaking of my stay, I wanted to announce that I am seriously considering the possibility of staying here another year. I have really begun to "find my groove" in the past 6 or 8 weeks and I think I could accomplish even MORE next year having a year of experience under my belt. Just a thought, but it is something I am considering!

Hope you are all doing well! I know you were eagerly looking forward to this entry :-) (I got a couple of emails this week from past Team Members). Love and miss you all!