Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Wondering who all my followers are....

Well, I have to unfortunately announce that I had another bout of Montezuma's Revenge this past weekend. I spent much of the day on Saturday and Sunday curled up in bed with some of the worst stomach pains I have ever experienced in my 28 years of life. Add the fact that we didn't have electricity or running water for most of the weekend, and I found myself feeling like I was in hell. I actually at one point thought I was going to die if I didn't go to the hospital. Luckily, the pains subsided. I took an extra day off yesterday to rest (unfortunately, because I only have 3 weeks of school left..but teaching while sick is NOT fun in the heat; let me tell you!) In any case, I pick myself up and move forward, ready to experience all that I can in my last month here in Honduras!

In light of my recent bout of sickness, I started thinking about health care here and the reality of just how difficult things are for people here when they DO get sick. I look at the world I am living in and the fact that access to healthcare is pretty low in these rural areas. Those who DO have access to it aren't receiving the best care. One needs to go into Tegucigalpa to see any type of specialist. Being sick without running water and power is not fun. I speak from experience. Again; another opportunity for me to sit back and realize just how lucky I am. If I had a bout of the flu in the States; I'd be tucked under the blankets in my nice warm house taking nice hot showers if it were Winter. If it were Summer, I'd have central air. No wonder it takes people here so much longer to fend off illnesses when they have them! I have no idea how I caught whatever I caught (be it the food, or something else) but bathrooms here never have soap. It's no wonder germs spread like they do. In any case, I'm feeling luckier than ever that I have the access to the healthcare that I do. In light of all that happened this weekend; I'm realizing another possible career path for me might be Public Health. It could still be in an educationally based field. Perhaps educating people in poorer areas (both in and out of the country) on proper nutrition, proper hygiene, etc, etc. There are so many different paths that I could take! The possibilities are endless!

In any case; I've been getting kind of curious as to who has been reading my blog. I've been getting all of these invites from people saying they are "followers " of my blog...half of them I don't even know when I look at their profiles! I am so glad that my stories are touching so many people's lives. I'm glad I'm able to share this beautiful gift I have been granted with so many. I know that this blogger thing is difficult to figure out at times; so if you are someone who has been following my blog but has not been commenting, could you PLEASE email me at my regular email address at chesneyfan1@gmail.com? I just want to know who has been following my adventures so I can communicate with you a bit more on a more personal level. It would be great to know if there are people out there whom I've never even met before who have been following along. I promise if you email me, I will email you back!

Well folks; time to go attempt to make baleadas for a dinner we are having tonight. This should be fairly interesting! I've finally gotten some Honduran recipes down pat! Let's hope I can remember some of them and find all the right ingredients to grace all of you with Honduran cuisine upon my return. :-)

P.S Linda, I just got your email. Don't worry. I won't miss the Open House on the 18th of July. I KNOW you held off on having it JUST for me! :-)

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Roots

I sit here tonight feeling rather nostalgic. I just enjoyed a lovely anafre (bean dip) and a Salva Vida (the local brew) with Keri at La Fonda (a Juticalpa favorite, despite the fact that they are skimpy on the napkins and the service is a bit slow). I sit here listening to the local Evangelical church singing "Open The Eyes of My Heart" repeatedly in Spanish. The smell of baleadas is permeating throughout my humble home here in La Colonia thanks to my neighbor's next door; who cook delicious Honduran cuisine nightly. I hear my neighbors outside playing basketball with their children, and the neighborhood dog; Licha; is barking and playing right outside my front window. I realize; that this has become my life. My home. Soon; i'll be leaving. I cannot believe that 7 weeks from now I'll be sitting in my parent's in Rockland. It will be Summer. I will hear children outside riding bicycles; laughing. I am a person who is big on soaking up the scenery, sights and smells around me and painting a permanent picture in my mind of the time and the place that I am in. Maybe that is because I was born to be a writer. I don't know why. But right now; I am simply soaking up the love, beauty, sights, and sounds around me. I know that right now; I am experiencing a gift and a type of peace that I will undoubtedly never experience again.

I've been giving a great deal of thinking as to what leaving will be like. When I think about it; I feel like someone has thrown a wrench around my heart; squeezing the life out of it. My fondness and adoration for my friends and family here is indescribible. DonaMarina, Wendy, my students; even the coffeemakers at the Esso have become like members of extended family. When I set out on my journey here 10 months ago; it seemed like a daunting task. Now as as my final 6 weeks here await me; I cannot believe that it is almost over. I feel as though all of the things I am about to experience in the next month are surreal. I feel as though the next 6 weeks will be 6 of the hardest of my life.

It is going to be painful. I think about leaving the people who have come to mean so much to me. I wonder to myself "how will I ever board that plane on June 28th". I think the solution is heartbreaking; but simple. I must simply get up and go. When I came here in August; I was simply a seed that was planted; who slowly bloomed throughout my experiences. Now; it is time that I rip myself from the ground. I must take all of my experience that were rooted here and share them with everyone in the world that will listen. The people of Juticalpa have watered and fed my soul. I have so much to offer to this world as I move forward in life. I owe a huge part of who I am and what is important to me to these people. They are my heart. They have my heart. I know that as painful as it is for me to leave these beautiful people. this relaxed life; this amazing experience; that there is so much more that I can do for these people from the American homefront. This fact breaks my heart; because communication from the States to Honduras is going to be difficult. Half of my new friends do not know how to read or write. There is no formal mail system. How can I possibly correspond through email when half of them don't even have electricity? These questions tug at my heart on a daily basis. Still; I must go. I know that it is time. I just hope that people will be willing to listen...and I hope that my heart will be able to heal from having to leave the most amazing people and experience in my entire life. I hope that I will be able to find the same type of fulfillment as I move forward.....honestly; I worry. To say I sleep soundly at night right now would be a lie. I pray for the strength to move forward, and to follow whatever plan God has set out for me. I truly in my heart believe He put me here in Juticalpa for a reason. I just wish that leaving didn't have to be so painful.....and I wonder if I will be able to "go light my world" from this point. Where do I even start?

Sunday, May 10, 2009

The Most Difficult Decision Of My Life....

The entry I am about to post right now will be by far the most difficult one I have ever posted during my time here. As I am writing this; tears are streaming down my face. I think I am feeling my heart crumbling into a million tiny pieces. That is because I have realized that I am truly in love for the first time in my life. I am in love with the people of Juticalpa. I am especially in love with my first graders, who have challenged me in ways that I've never been challenged in my life. I am in love with my friends here; who I have allowed to accept me, and welcome me into their families and their homes. Along with love I believe; always comes some level of heartbreak. That is what I am experiencing right now; I believe.

*deep breath*

I have made the decision that seven weeks from today, I will be leaving Juticalpa, Santa Clara, and this great adventure behind. It would be so easy to stay. There are many days where the idea of never leaving passes through my head. But then I realize, that this was a once in a lifetime experience; one I will never have again in my life. It has to end. After talking to my friends both here and at home and spending hours upon hours reflecting upon my future, career goals, and money situations; I realize that it is time to go. I know I will be back to visit as frequently as I can; but other things tear at my heartstrings right now. I miss my family and my friends. I have been a selfish person in the past at times; not always considering them and only thinking of myself when I made decisions. Now; I realize that other people are affected by the things that I do. When I leave here; I will miss the people who have become my family and friends here. I knew that no matter what I decided to do it was going to be difficult. I know that my last days in Juticalpa are going to be by far the most difficult days of my life. I also know that I can't stay forever. Eventually; that day is going to have to come.

I have spent long hours and days toying with the idea of staying and the idea of going. Oh, how easy it would be if I didn't have to make this decision! But at 28 years old; I finally feel like I know what I want to do with my career/life, and it is time for me to focus on those goals. I have decided that I want to work in fundraising and grant writing for a non-profit organization. Preferably one like Olancho Aid that betters the lives of the impoverished. I want to spread the word about this organization to everyone who will listen. I can only do so much from here. I am going to make it my mission to spread the word about Juticalpa to every person who wants to hear about my great adventure. I have also decided that I am going to try to get some of my writings from this blog (and my personal journals) published in some type of magazine, newsletter, or book form. Just because I am leaving; doesn't mean my work for Olancho Aid is going to end. I don't think that it ever will. My career will continue forward when I return home. I finally have the direction that I needed. This experience has given me that direction.

In seven weeks, I will board a plane back to Boston with an entire year's worth the belongings in tow in only two suitcases. I will say days of long, teary goodbyes. I will board the plane in Tegucialpa and return back to Boston to the life that I lived for 27 years before I came out here. Only I don't think I ever really will return to the life that I led before I came out here. I depart this experience as a changed woman. The girl who boarded that plane in August, clueless about the harsh realities of the world will return to the States with a heart on fire with passion for the people whom I will hold close to my heart for the rest of my life. I will make it my mission to do everything that I can for the impoverished and less fortunate in our world.

Sometimes I joke that I have aged about 10 years in my time here mostly in part to tons of dust in my lungs and warm sun upon my skin. All kidding aside though; I feel like I have matured a great deal in this past year. I have seen and learned things here that many people twice my age could never understand. I have watched children play outside naked, because their families cannot afford to put clothes on their bodies. I have seen seven year olds selling bags of water in the park to pay for their families to eat a small serving of rice for dinner. I have seen people literally dying on city buses; with little more than faith in God and the prayer for a miracle that someone will help them to try to save their lives. I have seen people's homes washed away in the floods here; leaving them with literally nothing left in their possession. I have seen families ripped apart; children who have never known their Mommy's or Daddy's because they are in the States trying to earn a living so their children can go to school. I emerge from this experience with a new understanding of how most of our world lives. I emerge with a greater appreciation for all that I have. Most importantly; I emerge with an appreciation for the people I have met here. I am so grateful to have had the experience of sharing a life here with people who have shown me more love than I have ever known in my life. I think at one point in my early days here; I talked a lot about coming here to help these people, to educate these children, to give them the tools they need to help their country and their society. It is at this point now that I truly realize that they are the ones who have helped me. They have shown me unconditional love, unbelievable faith in God and the general good in humanity, and a career path for my life.

For the next seven weeks, I look forward to taking in all of the beauty and love surrounding me. I will eat as many meals in Wendy's cafeteria that I can. I will go to the cathedral with Wendy and her family for Sunday masses. I will "platicar" over coffee with Donamarina and Donaveronica every morning. Kenia will obtain a new wardrobe of my clothes. I will travel up to the north coast with my students and their family's and take in the serenity and beauty of the ocean. I might even try to smile instead of grumble choice words under my breath when a not so polite man whistles at me and yells "Mamacita! AYI YI YI!" as I walk down the street. I will savor the smells, and sights and sounds of this city that has become; and always will be my second home.

It's lesson time planning for this Mamacita. Ayi yi yi! So much work to be done, and only 3 more weeks of school left!! Wish me luck!!! Looking forward to seeing all of you in June!!!!

Sunday, May 3, 2009

It's Been So Long....

I just realized that it has been an entire month now since I updated my blog. Honestly; life has been so busy that this is the first time I've had to sit down and actually collect my thoughts on the events of the past month and let you all know how things have been going.
April was by far the craziest month that I've had down here and definitely the fastest. I spend a lovely 10 days back in Boston visiting with friends and family, then the group from Holy Family came down here for 10 days when I returned. It was fantastic to spend time with all of them, and super emotional and important to me for them to see the relationships I've developed with people and the friends that I have made during my time here. I hope that my parents in particular were able to really enjoy this experience. In particular, meeting DonaMarina and Wendy, two of the best friends that I've made here. (To the H.F group..I've distributed all of the things that you left here to the people I know need them most and everyone is eternally grateful. It's nice to be walking down the streets of Juticalpa and to see someone pass by wearing a Rockland soccer shirt!)
In any case, having my friends and family here with me was an interesting experience for me. During my time here; I haven't had much of an opportunity to pass time with one of the church groups because I was always so busy with work and spending time with my friends here, etc, etc. It was funny for me to be reminded of things that are comical here to the typical North American; because so many of these things are just "normal" to me now. Yes; it is comical to get stuck in "traffic" (and have traffic be a herd of cattle walking down the main road). Men holding guns outside the supermercado IS a little intimidating. Rice and beans and tortillas 7 days a week DOES get old. It IS pretty funny when the chicken restaurant in town doesn't have chicken! It was amusing to me to see people's reactions to the things that I just find so mainstream now. I guess I am becoming a tad bit more Honduran even though I am not fully concious of it!
From another standpoint, I feel as though I have developed a different understanding of life here and the culture. Things that didn't bother me last year when I came down with the group deeply bother me now. I have to admit that I cringed a little when a few people were snapping photos of houses made of stick and children clothed in rags. At a couple of points, I felt guilty feeling like we were on a "white people's grand tour of the poverty that is Honduras". I guess during my time here I have developed more of a compassion for these people. Although they are very poor; they are still human beings with the same feelings as the rest of us. I know that no one meant anything to be offensive during our visits here. A year ago I was in the same time and place. I truly think that it is only something that one can understand after passing a long amount of time here. At this time and place, I truly feel as though I am straddling two cultures...the one I left behind nine months ago, and the one I have been living on a day to day basis since August. It is a very odd feeling, and at times I feel pretty misunderstood and it is difficult to process things and try to get people to understand how I am feeling about things. In any case, it was great to spend time with people who mean so much to me and even more rewarding for them to see the love I have developed for these people here. In the end, I took the bus to Tegus with Victor, Carlos, and Juan Carlos to bring them all to the airport and I definitely had a teary goodbye. I've been homesick since, and this is the first time I've felt this way since my arrival in August. Again; I think that is because I am truly adjusted to my life here and it's surprising to me how well I've adjusted.
This weekend was especially eventful , because it was a reminder of just how different our culture is in the States. I went with Wendy to her family's campo off in a remote village about 45 minutes from here to help prepare for; then celebrate her little sister's 15th birthday. Let me tell you, it was quite an event. Have you ever seen "My Super Sweet 16" on MTV? Well, picture that program and you will have an idea of what yesterday's fiesta was like. Her sister wore a long white wedding type dress and had 6 "Honor Maids" clothed in ridiculously fancy hot pink dresses. There was a church procession with a grand march, and a crowing ceremony. The whole thing was very interesting to me to say the least. When I tell you it was similar to and as big of an event as a wedding, I'm not exaggerating! I thoroughly enjoyed myself though; and it was great to meet all of Wendy's family and to celebrate with them. They were all so welcoming and so excited to have me there. I love spending time there as it is normally so peaceful, but this weekend was a different story. There was a lot to do! I had fun making tortillas by candlelight until 12a.m for the 50 or so party guests the next day (they don't have electricity out there). Wendy's whole family were in love with my headlamp; which we used to meticulously decorate the church for the mass the night before in the pitch black. Sleeping in a bed with 3 or 4 other people was also quite the experience for me. Here; 12 people will live in a 2 bedroom house with 3 mattresses. I also witnessed the slaughtering of the family pig for the fiesta. During our arrival on Friday; I was introduced to the cow and asked if I liked her. When I said I did; they said "We hope she tastes good!" 3 hours later, I was helping them cook literally pounds and pounds of meat for the party. Luis Carlos; Wendy's son, took some pictures. I won't post them here because I have to admit, that my stomach still hasn't stopped turning since I witnessed the slaughtering. The thought of becoming a vegeterian has passed through my mind in the past 48 hours to say the least. Poor Bessie! In any case, visiting the Campo was a great time. Wendy's family is amazing and they are so hospitable...BUT it made me realize just how relative things are. Driving back into Juticalpa and seeing civilization last night was a great feeling; even though there are many times where I feel like we live in the middle of nowhere. I have to admit; I don't think I could live on a Campo. What a reminder though of how lucky we are here even in Juticalpa. Electricity is a beautiful thing! As is the Esso station and the Dispensa with (gasp) a variety of different foods! I think that I want to spend some more time on the Campo; because it is a true Honduran experience!