Thursday, January 9, 2014

On Letting Go, Forgiveness, and Moving On

So I said about 6 months ago I was going to start blogging again.  I've really missed using my blog as a place to share my thoughts and feelings with those who can resonate with my life experiences or those who might look for a different perspective and viewpoint.   I have been thinking about my blog for months, and just haven't been able to come up with a clear cut direction in which I wanted my writing to take.   I've had a lot of thoughts about having it take a spiritual course or perhaps even a place to discuss political controversies.   None of these seemed right, however.  Then last night, it came to me.

As you may or may not know, 2013 was a year of great change for me.   Some of it was really positive (as far as my career and making new friends and traveling was concerned), some of it not so much.  2013 featured a lot of hurt feelings, heartache, ill will, and grudges.  It also featured a couple of lost relationships and negative feelings that I really didn't enjoy living with. I decided last week that I really wanted to focus on letting go of the past in 2014 in order to move on and live a happier, healthier, more positive life in 2014.

"Letting go."  Two simple words. "Forgiveness".  Just one simple word.   It sounds so simple, but we know that it's really not.  Letting go and  GENUINELY forgiving others is probably one of the most difficult tasks one will ever have to encounter. How on earth am I even to know where to begin?

Many times in life, we have conflict with another person or groups of people.   We say and do things that sometimes others do not understand, simply because WE are viewing them a certain way (and everyone sees the world through different a different lens) Sometimes we say or do things when we are angry or are suffering through a difficult time in life.  Sometimes what we do doesn't even have any connection with the person we've done them to. We've just reacted to something else happening in our lives, and that person happened to be on the receiving end or to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.  Sometimes we hide things out of insecurity or we avoid the truth because we don't want to have any added conflict in our lives. When the person finds out the truth, they become angry with us for not being honest with them or for not trusting them with our innermost secrets/feelings. Other times, someone will do something hurtful to us, and rather than talking to them about how it bothered us, we react out of anger and revenge.

Here's the positive part - many times when we make mistakes, were able to apologize and demonstrate to the other party that we didn't mean to hurt them.  On the other side,  if another party has hurt us, we many times are able to stop, listen to their apology, and accept that they made a poor decision that was hurtful to us.  Were able to really look at a person and realize that no one is perfect and that we all make mistakes. We've known the person for a period of time, and we know that they have many good qualities that trump the negative.  If the offender (be it us or them) changes their behavior in the future and demonstrates that they didn't mean to be hurtful,  life goes on.   When both parties are patient, understanding, and tolerant of the other's perspective, forgiveness and moving on is easy to accomplish.

Now for the negative part- it isn't always that easy.  There are many reasons why this can be.  Sometimes person who hurt the other person doesn't think that they did anything wrong.  Sometimes they don't understand the perspective of the other person.  Sometimes they will place the blame on the person who claims to be the recipient of the wrongdoing/hurt.   Just as often times, the person who believes to have been wronged becomes so upset with the other person that they automatically retaliate and seek revenge.   Rather than simply giving the other person space before trying to talk to them again about why they are so hurt, they react out of spite.    When these above scenarios occur, things almost can never be resolved.

The next unfortunate thing that comes into play is the ever present ego.   Through life's experience, people become hardened and unforgiving.   Two people (or more, depending on the circumstances) who once really cared for each other hold so much ill will towards one another that neither is willing to let their guard down to be the bigger person and say "you know what- we were both wrong.  I'm sorry for what I did on my end."   Rather than trying to have a rational conversation and accept that either one did wrong, they start to play the "blame game" and point out every single flaw about the other.  There is no way to come to a common ground.  It's just constant mud-slinging and placing the blame on the other party, rather than looking inward to say "what could *I* do differently to fix this situation?"  If BOTH individuals (or parties) aren't willing to let go of their ego, it's impossible to move forward.

The bottom line is this- if you are a human being, chances are you've hurt another human being in your lifetime.   All of us have conflict with others.  All of us have damaged a relationship with another person at some point in our lives with whom we wish we could go back and make things right with. We've all said things out of spite and anger or said something negative behind another person's back. I realize I am far from perfect.  I have many flaws, and I have done many things to disappoint people I've cared about over the course of my life.   Likewise, people have hurt and disappointed me as well.  You can't expect anyone to be perfect.   We all make mistakes.    Once we realize this, we get to take a step back from the ego that wants us to fight back.   Only when we can look at a person and what they've done to us and realize that they are human too can we start to forgive.

It IS possible to forgive another person even when they do not forgive you or want to hurt you.   It's probably one of the most difficult feats to accomplish in life, but if you ever truly want to "move on" from a damaged relationship or a broken heart, it needs to be done .   Sometimes we just need to ACCEPT that things are the way that they are.  You can be willing to try to do your part to fix things, but if the other party just wants to act in anger or retaliation, you need to accept that everyone's life journey is different and that they feel too wounded to be ready to move on.  Each of our personalities and our gauges for forgiveness is different.  Some of us forgive readily, others hold on to grudges that last for many years.    Additionally, wishing ill will or negative karma upon another person does nothing to make us feel better.   It's only hurting us personally when we focus so much energy on hurting another person.  Even if something unfortunate DOES happen to them, what positive effect does that really have upon us?  Laughing at another person's misfortune does not make us any better of a person. It also makes no sense when we supposedly dislike THEM for their character flaws and we aren't acting with any better character on our end.

One big lesson I learned in 2013 is this- You cannot ever force yourself upon another person.  If they do not see the good in you and forgive you for your human flaws, you can't do much about it.  If they do not accept you at face value, accept your apologies for anything you might have done to wrong them, and see the genuine goodness that is within you, there isn't anything you can do.  If they just have a general personality conflict with you and don't like you for what you stand for or say or do, you can't do anything about it. n an ideal world, people would hurt one another, kiss and make up, and life would go on  Unfortunately, this is not the reality of life.  I don't say this to be negative.  It's just being honest.

Another lesson I've learned through my recent experiences is that it's okay to be emotional and sensitive.  It's okay to tell someone when they've hurt you, and it's equally as okay to not tolerate letting someone walk all over you emotionally.  There are many different types of personalities in this world.  Some people keep their feelings to themselves, others (like me) are an open book.  People always know how I feel or what I am thinking.  There's nothing wrong with being a sensitive and emotional person.   Hiding your feelings or being an open book doesn't make any one person stronger or "better' than another.    We just are who we are as human beings, and I no longer will apologize for voicing my opinion or being vocal about my innermost thoughts and beliefs.  There's nothing wrong with being me, just as there's nothing wrong with someone else having a tough exterior or keeping their feelings to themselves.   If you feel like you need to compromise yourself to appease them, you shouldn't do it.  Yes, it's painful when someone you care deeply for wants to "change" you.  Yes, it's going to hurt when you accept that you can't make them think different.  However; compromising yourself is NEVER okay! Not everyone is going to like you for you, and that's totally okay.  It's even okay when it turns out to be someone you thought accepted you at face value.

Back to forgiveness- I cannot take back anything that has happened in the past.  Sometimes, so much damage is done that all both parties can do is take lessons they've learned from experience and apply it to the future so they don't make the same mistakes again.  I believe I'm at a point where I am able to do this.   Sitting around and beating yourself up saying "I should have done this" or "Why the hell did I ever do that?" is completely fruitless.    Even if another person isn't willing to accept you as you are or accept an apology, it doesn't mean that you should dwell on it or beat yourself up over it. If another person only wants to continue to hurt you, you cannot force them to stop.  I'll say it again- all human beings make mistakes.  All human beings have character flaws.  All human beings have the capability to be hurtful to another. Dwelling on the past won't ever make you feel any better, especially if you aren't happy with yourself over how you handled a difficult situation.   Taking a step back, learning from your mistakes, and resolving to do things differently in the future WILL.

So in 2014. I choose to let go.  I choose to not let the past hurt me anymore. I also choose to forgive myself for anything in my past that I could have done differently. Rather than having negative images of people who have hurt me, I will smile and laugh at the memories of better times.  I really do believe that everything happens for a reason, and rather than focusing on negative things from the past, I'll focus on the happiness and love that surrounds me presently.  I really am very much blessed right now to have some amazing people in my life who have been there for me, loving me unconditionally.   Additionally, I'll start to wish nothing but peace and love to those who have offended me.  Without doing so, I'm only hurting myself.

Happy 2014, my friends. <3 nbsp="" p="">